Thinking

We're thinking about it. You know... trying again. Thinking for us means months and months and month away. It is a matter of organizing, planning, saving, timing and so much more. We both would love another child but there are so many factors, it's hard to explain. Because the big kids have had to get their heads around both of my sisters having new babies I feel like another child would be like a knock on the head. Because of our unusual family dynamic our kids are more like siblings to them than cousins. So for us timing is everything.

So for now we are thinking. Maybe sometime in the (hopefully) near future we might be thinking about trying again.

Had the talk

Brian and I had a nice long talk about our TTC tonight and we quickly came to the same conclusion... It's go time. :D We're not sure if we'll even feel like the girls are the perfect age to try for another but this is as good a time as any. One thing is clear is that we both want more kids. We don't know how many but we're not done trying yet.

So we're hoping the news next week is good news!

Called for my consult

I called today to schedule my FET cycle consult. Looks like I need all my pre-testing again... including the dreaded HSG. I talk to the doc a week from tomorrow.

Am I nuts???

Maybe soon?

I don't know if anyone has even subscribed to this blog or bothers to follow it. I know I haven't posted a damn thing in months. I think about our next IVF almost daily. Despite my bitching and whining about how hard life with two kids is we definitely want more kids. And not "someday" kind of want but soon. It just seems like the timing for a cycle is never right. Knowing that even a FET cycle involves bed rest, no lifting for two weeks, no bending from waist, etc. makes it nearly impossible with two kids.

We are thinking maybe next month. Not sure if it will come to actualization but we're hoping the cards all fall the right way so we can give it a shot during the summer.

Needed a place to whine

Not sure why I got on this tangent today. Maybe it was that adorable baby we saw at the mall yesterday? Maybe it was the 6 month old set of twins I saw at CHOP recently? Maybe it's hormones or something? I don't freaking know. But it dawned on me the other day... I might not have any more kids. Maybe my girls really were my miracle babies. Maybe I will do more IVF's and more FET's but will never conceive again. Or worse yet I will and I will suffer another devastating loss.

Why in the hell is it so much harder for us than "normal" people. Normal people have sex, get pregnant, stay pregnant and repeat the cycle as many times as they want. Then there are the people who have to take medications to get pregnant. Then there are those who need to do IUI's in order to get pregnant. Then there are those who do IVF and it works... every time. Then there is us. Four IVF's in total. Two kids we have and two kids we lost. A lot more pain than I can count.

Yes, I know there is a damn worse level above us. Those who do IVF's and never conceive. I am not stupid enough to sit here and think I have it so much worse than everyone. I know it could be worse. It just sucks. It should be easier. For me. For the ones who have it worse. For the ones who can't conceive or do time and time again only to lose and lose and lose. It just plain sucks.

Am I crazy?

Haven't posted anything here in four months. I look at it once in a while and think that had our IVF worked I would have been that far along in a pregnancy. Probably for the best that it didn't work since life has been stressful lately. That being said I have started thinking about when to do our first FET. Am I nuts or what? I am stressed beyond belief but want another baby. I have always wanted my kids close together in age and let's face it, Brian and I ain't getting any younger. ;D We are only in the thinking, planning, considering stage but wanted to jot my thoughts down for later. Guess we'll see what happens...

Officially done

I had my beta this morning and it was a big fat goose egg.

Our plan is to save, save, save until we can afford the $2,500 or so for a FET (plus meds). It might be a while so I'll be back... eventually.

That's all folks

I am definitely not pregnant. AF showed in full bitchy force today. It just sucks. I know how lucky I am to have my girls. The disappointment will never be what it was before I had the girls. I just hate having to go through more treatments. It means more money, more hormones, more waiting. It brings back all that resentment about how others can just decide "oh, time for us to have another baby." While too many of us have to plan, save, and suffer through treatment after treatment. Infertility is a very nasty beast.

The same

The spotting has continued and is getting a little heavier tonight. Thinking the end is here. Oh well...

:(

Started spotting today... not looking so good at this point.

Trigger is gone

I tested yesterday just to make sure the trigger HcG was gone... and it is. From here on any positive I get is the real deal. Not sure when I will test. In my previous IVF and IUI cycles I was so patient. This time around I am so ready to test. I guess I just want to know and get the heck on with it. Strange how naive I was thinking I would get through this without any of that old anxiety and stress. ;>)

Waiting

Here is a nice ticker to pass the time: