Needed a place to whine

Not sure why I got on this tangent today. Maybe it was that adorable baby we saw at the mall yesterday? Maybe it was the 6 month old set of twins I saw at CHOP recently? Maybe it's hormones or something? I don't freaking know. But it dawned on me the other day... I might not have any more kids. Maybe my girls really were my miracle babies. Maybe I will do more IVF's and more FET's but will never conceive again. Or worse yet I will and I will suffer another devastating loss.

Why in the hell is it so much harder for us than "normal" people. Normal people have sex, get pregnant, stay pregnant and repeat the cycle as many times as they want. Then there are the people who have to take medications to get pregnant. Then there are those who need to do IUI's in order to get pregnant. Then there are those who do IVF and it works... every time. Then there is us. Four IVF's in total. Two kids we have and two kids we lost. A lot more pain than I can count.

Yes, I know there is a damn worse level above us. Those who do IVF's and never conceive. I am not stupid enough to sit here and think I have it so much worse than everyone. I know it could be worse. It just sucks. It should be easier. For me. For the ones who have it worse. For the ones who can't conceive or do time and time again only to lose and lose and lose. It just plain sucks.

Am I crazy?

Haven't posted anything here in four months. I look at it once in a while and think that had our IVF worked I would have been that far along in a pregnancy. Probably for the best that it didn't work since life has been stressful lately. That being said I have started thinking about when to do our first FET. Am I nuts or what? I am stressed beyond belief but want another baby. I have always wanted my kids close together in age and let's face it, Brian and I ain't getting any younger. ;D We are only in the thinking, planning, considering stage but wanted to jot my thoughts down for later. Guess we'll see what happens...

Officially done

I had my beta this morning and it was a big fat goose egg.

Our plan is to save, save, save until we can afford the $2,500 or so for a FET (plus meds). It might be a while so I'll be back... eventually.

That's all folks

I am definitely not pregnant. AF showed in full bitchy force today. It just sucks. I know how lucky I am to have my girls. The disappointment will never be what it was before I had the girls. I just hate having to go through more treatments. It means more money, more hormones, more waiting. It brings back all that resentment about how others can just decide "oh, time for us to have another baby." While too many of us have to plan, save, and suffer through treatment after treatment. Infertility is a very nasty beast.

The same

The spotting has continued and is getting a little heavier tonight. Thinking the end is here. Oh well...

:(

Started spotting today... not looking so good at this point.

Trigger is gone

I tested yesterday just to make sure the trigger HcG was gone... and it is. From here on any positive I get is the real deal. Not sure when I will test. In my previous IVF and IUI cycles I was so patient. This time around I am so ready to test. I guess I just want to know and get the heck on with it. Strange how naive I was thinking I would get through this without any of that old anxiety and stress. ;>)

Waiting

Here is a nice ticker to pass the time:

Tired and achey

In previous IV cycles I have spent the bedrest portion of the cycle laying in bed stressing over whether the cycle would work. I also felt pretty ok. By the end of the second day I would feel a little sore from laying still for so long. This time has not bee so easy. I miss being a full time Mom to my kids. The OHSS is extremely uncomfortable (to say the least). My body aches terribly from laying in bed too long. When I do get up I feel tired and weak. I guess it doesn't help that I went into this sleep deprived and exhausted. It also doesn't help that I hyperstimulated so much.

I am just ready for this portion to be a thing of the past so I can get back to my normal routine. Tomorrow I am allowed to get out of bed but I do have restrictions. No vacuuming (YAY!), no bending from the waste (not easy with two kids) and no lifting over 15 lbs (hmm... I have a 16 pounder and an 18 pounder... not sure how that will go). This whole IVF thing is definitely a lot easier without two kids in tow.

ET Complete!

We went for our ET this am at 10. Things went really well and we transferred two 6-celled Grade A embryos.

We now have 11 frozen embryos for later. We lost a couple in the past two days.

Unfortunately the OHSS has hit hard. I feel like garbage. Thankfully I have two days of bed rest right now. So now we wait!

16 Embryos

I went this am for b/w and to get randomized into the study part of this IVF. I would either get the progesterone gel or the ring and I got the ring. I talked to the embryologist and they managed ICSI on 17 eggs, 16 of those fertilized... way more that we have ever had. They are freezing 6 today and leaving 10 out to choose the best 2 for Wed. After Wed. the remaining 8 will be frozen so we will have 14 snowbabies. Guess it's good we always wanted a big family.

21 Eggs

Out of my 27 mature follicles they got 21 eggs this morning. The procedure went well but I am hurting much more than my previous 2 fresh cycles. They gave me Tylenol 3 to help with the pain for now. The good news is that they are allowing me to go ahead with the ET on Wed. and will let us transfer 2. Ok, back to the couch.