Am I crazy?

Haven't posted anything here in four months. I look at it once in a while and think that had our IVF worked I would have been that far along in a pregnancy. Probably for the best that it didn't work since life has been stressful lately. That being said I have started thinking about when to do our first FET. Am I nuts or what? I am stressed beyond belief but want another baby. I have always wanted my kids close together in age and let's face it, Brian and I ain't getting any younger. ;D We are only in the thinking, planning, considering stage but wanted to jot my thoughts down for later. Guess we'll see what happens...

Officially done

I had my beta this morning and it was a big fat goose egg.

Our plan is to save, save, save until we can afford the $2,500 or so for a FET (plus meds). It might be a while so I'll be back... eventually.

That's all folks

I am definitely not pregnant. AF showed in full bitchy force today. It just sucks. I know how lucky I am to have my girls. The disappointment will never be what it was before I had the girls. I just hate having to go through more treatments. It means more money, more hormones, more waiting. It brings back all that resentment about how others can just decide "oh, time for us to have another baby." While too many of us have to plan, save, and suffer through treatment after treatment. Infertility is a very nasty beast.

The same

The spotting has continued and is getting a little heavier tonight. Thinking the end is here. Oh well...

:(

Started spotting today... not looking so good at this point.

Trigger is gone

I tested yesterday just to make sure the trigger HcG was gone... and it is. From here on any positive I get is the real deal. Not sure when I will test. In my previous IVF and IUI cycles I was so patient. This time around I am so ready to test. I guess I just want to know and get the heck on with it. Strange how naive I was thinking I would get through this without any of that old anxiety and stress. ;>)

Waiting

Here is a nice ticker to pass the time:

Tired and achey

In previous IV cycles I have spent the bedrest portion of the cycle laying in bed stressing over whether the cycle would work. I also felt pretty ok. By the end of the second day I would feel a little sore from laying still for so long. This time has not bee so easy. I miss being a full time Mom to my kids. The OHSS is extremely uncomfortable (to say the least). My body aches terribly from laying in bed too long. When I do get up I feel tired and weak. I guess it doesn't help that I went into this sleep deprived and exhausted. It also doesn't help that I hyperstimulated so much.

I am just ready for this portion to be a thing of the past so I can get back to my normal routine. Tomorrow I am allowed to get out of bed but I do have restrictions. No vacuuming (YAY!), no bending from the waste (not easy with two kids) and no lifting over 15 lbs (hmm... I have a 16 pounder and an 18 pounder... not sure how that will go). This whole IVF thing is definitely a lot easier without two kids in tow.

ET Complete!

We went for our ET this am at 10. Things went really well and we transferred two 6-celled Grade A embryos.

We now have 11 frozen embryos for later. We lost a couple in the past two days.

Unfortunately the OHSS has hit hard. I feel like garbage. Thankfully I have two days of bed rest right now. So now we wait!

16 Embryos

I went this am for b/w and to get randomized into the study part of this IVF. I would either get the progesterone gel or the ring and I got the ring. I talked to the embryologist and they managed ICSI on 17 eggs, 16 of those fertilized... way more that we have ever had. They are freezing 6 today and leaving 10 out to choose the best 2 for Wed. After Wed. the remaining 8 will be frozen so we will have 14 snowbabies. Guess it's good we always wanted a big family.

21 Eggs

Out of my 27 mature follicles they got 21 eggs this morning. The procedure went well but I am hurting much more than my previous 2 fresh cycles. They gave me Tylenol 3 to help with the pain for now. The good news is that they are allowing me to go ahead with the ET on Wed. and will let us transfer 2. Ok, back to the couch.

Nerves

So, now the nerves are setting in. I am nervous about:

- OHSS
- Being in pain and having to be a Mom to my girls
- The ET being cancelled and having to move on to a FET
- The IVF working
- The IVF not working
- The anesthesia
- Having another kid
- Not having another kid
- and on and on and on.

Guess I need a decent nights sleep and to just get tomorrow over with.

Here we go

We have to be at the office tomorrow am at 8:15am and the procedure is scheduled for 9:30. My Estradiol skyrocketed today to 6,400 so it looks like OHSS is inevitable this week. Yuck! They most likely will not cancel the ET but may only allow us to transfer 1 embryo. I will know more tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Hcg...done!

I finally got my callback today and I was allowed to trigger. At 10:30 we did the trigger shot and those damn IM shots hurt as much as I remember. My estradiol was still ridiculously high so we will be keeping our fingers crossed the OHSS isn't too bad. I go first thing Sunday morning for my ER. Then my ET will be Wednesday morning.

For the first time today I got a little panicked about the thought of another set of twins. We plan to transfer 2 since 1 hardly seems worth it for me. Then I started thinking of the logistics of 4 kids instead of 2. It was a little too scary to think about. ;>)

Waiting, waiting, waiting... yet again

Here is my u/s results from today:

Lining - 13mm

Right - 23.3, 18, 18.3, 21.3, 17, 23.6, 22, 22.6, 22, 27.6, 21.3, 16, 22.3, 16, 17, 15.6 and 7<10

Left - 22.3, 20.3, 19, 18, 22, 16, 14, 16, 16, 22.3, 20.3, 16.6 and 6<10

I am still waiting for my callback to see about trigger. I am guessing tonight.

Holding Pattern

Today's results:

Lining - 14mm

Right - 24, 27, 19.3, 21.3, 20.4, 19, 19, 19.3, 17, 13, 15, 18.3, 20.7, 14.3 and 8<10

Left - 19, 18.3, 20.7, 14.3, 20.3, 16, 17.8, 19, 18, 20.7, 17, 18 and 6<10

E2 - 4300... yup, it went up again so no trigger tonight.

I go back tomorrow morning for u/s and b/w AGAIN! Probably will trigger tomorrow (unless the number climbs) and have the ER Sunday. I really was hoping to do it Saturday so I would have Bry home to help the day after. Guess no such luck.

Tons of follies

Here is todays u/s results:

Lining - 14mm

Right - 19.6, 21, 15, 17, 13, 13, 15.6, 19, 16, 15, 15, 14, 16.6, 17 & 6<10

Left - 17, 17, 16, 13.3, 19, 12, 13, 13, 17, 13 & 7<10

All I can say is no wonder I am hurting. ;>)

Another ultrasound - Updated

Here are the results of this mornings ultrasound:

Lining - 11mm

Right Ovary - 11.6, 12.3, 14, 17, 14, 12, 12.3, 17.3, 13.3, 4<10

Left Ovary - 14, 15, 13, 13, 11.3, 12, 10, 4<10

Still waiting on my callback for instructions. I am starting to feel a little uncomfortable... kinda like two bags full of rocks in my belly. Fun, fun, fun!

Updated:

Got my callback and E2 was at 864 so everything is looking good. I go back Wednesday for another u/s and b/w. For comparison's sake here is my info from my stim day 6 from my last cycle:

Right - 13.3, 14.3, 14, 10, 11, 11.6

Left - 15, 2<10, 3<6
E2 - 572
LH - 3
FSH - 11
Prog - 0.7

And this one is from stim day 7 of my first fresh IVF cycle:

Right Ovary - 18.3, 16.3, 14.3, 15.3, 15, 15, 12, 18.6, 10
Left Ovary - 12, 10.3, 16.3, 12.3
Lining - 9 mm

Blood work and Ultrasound

Today I had another ultrasound and blood work. I had to get up eat 7:45 after being up late for our anniversary yesterday so I was BEAT tired! Things looked good so far. My lining was 12mm. Right ovary follicles were: 11.7, 12.7, 13.7, 13, 13.7, 14.3, 12.7, 11, and 8 <10mm. Left ovary had: 11.7, 11.3, 12, 11.3, 10.7 and 10 <10mm. This is way more follicular growth than I have had in the past. When I got my call back this afternoon they said I was over-responding with a high Estradiol level and so many follies. The are dropping my Follistim back to 75 iu starting tomorrow.

I go back on Monday for more b/w and another u/s.

Exhausted

Ok, so I am not sure whether I am chocking up my general exhaustion to the meds, my job being insane or to my two wild monkeys but boy am I tired. I feel like I have to remind myself to take my shots. The first time around I was almost excited when it was shot time. It was like every shot got me closer to meeting my future child (children). This time it just feels plain different. I am excited and I really want this to work but it seems like some of stress is not there that was there before. An IVF not working does not seem as earth shattering once you have had a child. I still have babies to love and hold and oogle over. Before if it didn't work I felt like I had nothing. It is kind of nice to get to approach it in this lower key way.

Stims tomorrow

Starting tomorrow I will be taking 5 units of Lupron in the morning, 75 iu Menopur in the morning and 150 iu of follistim in the evening. I went or b/w and u/s this morning and the u/s tech told me I was going to have a lot of eggs. That made me nervous because she said we are looking at possible OHSS eggs (not again!). They are doing a lower dose of stims than I did last time to try to control it. Guess we'll see!

Am I ready for this?

Tomorrow morning I go for my suppression check blood work and ultrasound. If all is well I will start my stims in the afternoon and be on my way. Bry and I talked for a little while about if this does work, if it doesn't and all the possible scenarios in between. I REALLY hope it works. We want more children and it would be so wonderful to not have to start saving for a FET. Approaching IVF now that I have two daughters changes everything but I still want it very much.

CD 1 - Getting Close

Yesterday was CD 1 and I realized how close I am getting. I am about a month away from KNOWING whether this IVF is a success. I can't believe we are this close. I start my stims on Tuesday and my last 2 fresh cycles I only stimmed for 9 days. So I am less than 2 weeks from the retrieval now. Oddly, as it gets closer I get more excited and less nervous!

My Protocol

I thought I would post this as much for myself as for everyone else. Someday I might look back and think hmm... what the heck did I have to go through for this damn IVF stuff to work. :>)

CD 3 - Started BCP's
CD 20 - Started Lupron injections at 10 units. Continue BCP's until pack finished
CD 31 - Ultrasound & Blood work. Start 150 IU Menopur & 150 IU Follistim (dosage may change). Drop Lupron to 5 units.
Stim Day 12 - 14 - Retrieval
3 Days Later - Transfer

I will try to update this as it changes.

Side Effects

Ok, so the first time I did this crap I didn't notice a whole lot of side effects. Now that I have two babies in tow the Lupron seems to be kicking my ass. The thought of a pregnancy with two little ones seems a little more daunting than it did. Hmm... this could get interesting.

And so it begins

I started my Lupron today. Felt very weird to be back here again.



It's a much smaller pile than last time. Follistim sure eliminated a lot of the work for you.

Meds

I went today for my appointment to get my meds and have injection instructions. Looks like my protocol will be Lupron from CD 18 on. I will start stims on the 27th if everything looks good. I will be using Follistim (for the first time) and Menopur again. My retrieval will likely be June 6-8th. I am getting super excited. Not sure what I am going to do about the whole "don't lift more than 15lbs thing" though.

Starting Lurpon

This week I begin my Lupron injections. I go to the clinic on Thursday to get all my meds and start injects on Friday. When I signed up for this it felt like it was years away. It is hard to believe that we are getting ready to start.

Finally

It seems like when you are waiting for the witch to arrive she won't and when you don't she is knocking on your door early. Well, finally today, on CD 36 she came. I will probably start my BCP's tomorrow and Lupron shortly after that. Let's get this show on the road.

Of course I would be late

So I am sitting here waiting, waiting, waiting for my period to start so I can get moving. And of all cycles to be late... I am. I sometimes have longer than usual cycles but not terribly often. I am just ready to get this train rolling and get the IVF over with. I know I make it sound like it is something I am doing casually. Trust me, I am not. I just hate the thought of surgery and bedrest and being away from my girls. I would like to do it, find out if it worked (and I pray it does) and get going already.

Getting close

Looks like CD 1 will be in a week or so. At that point I start the BCP's and get my meds. Shortly after that I will start Lupron. I think the retrieval is something like 6 weeks from the start of BCP's. So we are only 7 weeks or so away and 9 from knowing if we will have another LO (or two) on the way! Getting excited!

Pre-Testing

Today I completed the final portion of my pre-testing for IVF #3. I had bloodwork this morning and went back this evening for a mock transfer, cultures, pap smear and sonohystogram (ouch!). Everything looks good so it looks like I am ready to go.

I will start BCP's with my next period. So it looks like my ER will be about 10 weeks from now. I cannot believe how quickly this is all happening but I am very excited. I am thrilled we will be through Abby's eye surgery when we start the IVF process. That is a huge relief for me!

Tomorrow

I suppose it all begins tomorrow. I go for my intake and find out the details of when we will be getting this show on the road. As it gets closer and more real I start to get nervous. Not like I used to get nervous about a cycle but still those old nerves are still there.

Countdown

In 3 days it all begins. This Thursday is my first official appointment to start my IVF cycle. I will be meeting with the study coordinator (who I am friends with), meeting with the doc, going over the details of the study and my IVF cycle, then having a bunch of tests done. I will also find out the timeline for the next couple of months. I think I will probably be starting BCP's this month but am not sure.

Am I nuts

With the girls being sick AGAIN i have to ask myself "AM I NUTS DOING THIS AGAIN???" The timing is obviously not ideal. The girls are so young. We are still exhausted. We both know we are doing the right thing and know that God is choosing the timing for us. On a good day I am thrilled with the prospective of more but on those few bad days I have to take some pause. ;>)

Deja Vu

So the first time I went back to the clinic after having the girls was recently. I wanted to take them in sooner to show the nurses, office staff and docs. The girls had such a rough start and even rougher winter that I hated to expose them to germs. Consequently the first time I took them in was for my pre-testing when they were 8 months old.

On the drive over I was actually nervous... like butterflies in my stomach nervous. When I got there and went in it felt like returning to the scene of a crime. All of the girls in the office remembered me immediately and fawned all over the girls. I felt like crap sitting there with my beautiful babies knowing that someone in that office did NOT need to see babies that day. That part was a struggle. It was so weird being in a place I spent so much time in but under such different circumstances.

I vow not to bring the girls back unless I absolutely have to. It was very strange bringing them to the place that they were made. They even lived there (in a nice warm petrie dish) for a few days without me. You could almost say it was their first home of sorts.

Anyway, enough rambling.

Waiting

Not much going on on the IVF front. We are waiting for all of our pre-testing to be complete. I have my "intake" appointment on March 29th. After that I need my mock transfer and sonohystogram (sp?) and then we can start any time. I am trying to push it back so my cycle doesn't start until after Abby's eye surgery. We'll see how that goes...

Why It's a Secret

So here is the skinny on why I am not announcing my IVF cycle to the world, my friends and all my family:

We have only told immediate family about our upcoming IVF. Before we decided to keep our lips sealed we did share the news with a couple people. Unfortunately the responses we got were less than supportive. Even a couple close family members were less than thrilled. No one said anything outright but you could tell there was not 100% support.

My Mom (who is BEYOND supportive and thank God for that) suggested perhaps we not tell everyone how we get pg (if we do). She reminded me that it is no ones business but ours and Gods... and she is damn right. I don't need to hear peoples remarks or opinions. I don't need to be called selfish just because I am a good Mom and want more kids. I don't need to feel like I am doing something wrong.

So for now I will share this news with my friends from FF, my very closest family and friends and hopefully no one else. And if you find your way here by accident... SSSSHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Risk of Multiples

Of the people who know we are doing IVf again the biggest questions are how will you fit more kids in your house and what if you have another set of twins. The first answer is easy... babies are small. They really don't require acres of space. We can make that work. The second is a bit trickier.

At our clinic the chances of twins when transferring 3 embryos (and we will ONLY do 2, no more) is 30.5% and triplets is 7.9% IF you get pg. The pregnancy rate is 43.1%. Bear in mind these numbers are for an average of 3 embies. So we know that it is possible. As much as I would love to experience life with a singleton I would also love another set of twins. I know how crazy it would be and I know how little sleep I would get... I have twins I can imagine. I just can't imagine not doing it because of the risk. Children are such a huge blessing and miracle for us that I would welcome them in any number.

The Back Story

So here is how we came to arrive at another round of IVF...

When I was going regularly to my first RE I got very jaded with the office very quickly. Their prices were way too high and their timetables sucked. One day my older sister called me and said that she had found a flyer at work (she was in PA school at the time) for an IVF study. I called that day and met my dear friend Eileen. She is the clinical coordinator at my now RE's office. She got me into a study for a medication like Clomid and it afforded us 3 low-cost rounds of IUI's. Since then we have stayed friends and she has been a great support for me.

About a month and a half ago I e-mailed her to send pics of the girls. I also said jokingly that if she ever, IN THE FUTURE, had an IVF study to keep me in mind. Not an hour later did I get an e-mail from her saying that she was starting enrollment for an IVF study the following week. It was like kismet... or at least it was to me.

When I was pregnant I said that I would never do more ART. But as soon as the girls were born I found myself wanting a whole gaggle of little Me's. I love being a Mom more than anything I have ever done. Give me whiney kids, The Backyardigans and poopy diapers over suits, paperwork and colleagues any day.

Bry and I talked it over (at length) and decided that even though the timing was not 100% perfect it was definitely meant to be. The week after that my RE reviewed my chart and decided we were eligible for the study. I told them I would do it as long as I could wait until the end of Spring (which was fine) and make sure that I did not take the slot away from any woman who has no kids. I made them promise me that would not happen. I would happily give up my turn to someone without kids.

So anyway that bring us to now. So we are amidst pre-testing and should be getting rolling sometime in May.

Here we go again

For those of you who will be reading this blog... this is a secret! Ok, I know that I am opening myself up to whomever can find this blog but I don't want the whole world (or should I say my whole family) know what I am up to.

For four years I struggled with infertility. I saw handfuls of doctors, specialists, OB's and RE's; submitted myself to what felt like hundreds of procedures, tests, needle sticks and appointments. After four long years, 3 failed IUI's, A failed IVF and A successful FET that led to m/c... I had a successful IVF. I got pregnant with triplets and lost Baby C at the end of the 1st trimester.

I am now the proud Mom of twin girls.

While I was pregnant I told myself and others that I would not do fertility treatments, let alone IVF again. Then once I had my girls I decided how painfully unfair it was that I should NOT have any more kids just because it is harder for me. Am I less deserving? Should a woman only get one shot? Would my having more babies take away from the chances of another infertile woman?

I remember the hell of sitting in the RE's office (especially after a failed cycle or m/c) and wanting to shoot every person who came through the door with their perfect blond haired, blue eyed twins. I thought they were selfish and wrong for trying for more. Why the hell isn't one (or two or three) good enough for these people?

Well I guess I have just crossed over into Selfish Infertile Woman land.

Today I began pre-testing for my fourth try at IVF. More details to come...